Airports!

originally posted on 9/11/07

Okay, this will be boring for most of you, like I said in the last post, but I don't care. For whatever reason, I like airports, or at least care about them, despite my dislike of flying, waiting in lines, bureaucracy, and of course, driving someone to/picking someone up from the airport. I don't pretend that it makes sense.

Today, I want to talk about my two most recent airports - Seoul-Incheon (ICN) and Bangkok-Suvarnabhumi (BKK). ICN has, in less than a year, already become my lifetime 7th-most visited airport (like it's any surprise i know that kind of thing) and will soon surpass Seattle-Tacoma to be my 6th most visited (the top 5 - KCI, Chicago-Midway, Ohare, Tampa, and Baltimore-Washington are pretty obvious).

On paper, these two airports have a lot in common. Both are a part of the new generation of Asian mega-airports that tend to dominate worldwide airport rankings (yes, I go to airport ranking websites. Sometimes porn gets boring. Leave me alone.). ICN was opened in 2001, BKK in 2006, and in between, Hong Kong and Kuala Lumpur opened sparkling new airports as well. All are major hubs for one or more national carriers, and all serve primarily international destinations (in the case of Hong Kong, all flights are considered international, as you can't fly to a different part of Hong Kong without a helicopter.) However, between ICN and BKK, ICN is unquestionably the best airport I have ever been to, and BKK sucks balls.

ICN has one weakness - it's really fucking far from most of Seoul, especially my hood. The only practical way to get there is by bus. It's a really nice bus, but can be inconvenient for late night arrivals, plus the bus means you have to contend with unpredictable or awful city traffic. Fortunately, they are building a high-speed train (which is halfway done) to the city center, which will be complete by 2009 thus making ICN perfect. My way around this - the Incheon Airport Guesthouse. I used it for my flight to Bangkok, and will use it again in two weeks when I go to Tokyo. For $37, you get a room that's much nicer than a $37 room should be, with a free 5 minute ride to the airport included. Plus, the building that the guesthouse is in has like 3 bars and 2 web cafes.

As for ICN itself, it's basically what would happen if Jesus built an airport (though, presumably, JC International would be made of wood rather than glass), I got there an hour and 40 minutes before my flight to BKK (yes, an international flight) and had time to check in, change money, sit down at the McD's for breakfast (best McD breakfast in Korea, by the way, with way more breakfast items than your average Seoul McD's has), go through customs and security, and have time for a smoke at the smoking lounge at the gate, all while making it to my plane before final boarding call.

By the way, i know smoking is bad and I'm going to die last week and everything, but what the fuck is wrong with U.S. airports and smoking areas? Is it a cleanliness thing? If so, than why is almost every Asian airport I've ever been to (not Taipei) and most of the European airports I've been to (not Gatwick) cleaner than pretty much every airport in the U.S.? You can't smoke anywhere in California, but LAX is filthy. Would it be so difficult for American airports to glass off some dead space or convert the occasional janitor closet into a smoking area? Hell, don't even convert the janitor closet, I'm certainly not above smoking in one. Plus, don't these people consider the fact that you can't smoke on an airplane, and that lots of flights are really fucking long, and that no cigarette is more desired, rewarding, and necessary than the pre-flight, post-flight, and especially transit variety? Out of the top 10 cigarettes I've ever smoked in my life, probably all of them have been at airports. Post-coitus has nothing on post-flight nicotine-wise.

A return to ICN is even smoother than a departure from it. If I didn't check a bag and I got a decent seat on the plane (I like row 33-35 on a 777, steps from the jetway) I can be through immigration, customs, and on a bus to Seoul within 15 minutes. It's surreally efficient. If I check a bag, I stop for a piss, go through immigration, stop at the smoking lounge, and usually by then my bag is there, so it's maybe 20 minutes from airplane seat to bus seat.

Finally, ICN has everything for somebody like me. A shitty mcd's that serves breakfast, a shitty quick food court if it's not breakfast time, smoking lounges, bars (or for an even better beer option - convenience stores!) duty frees for the basics you need at duty free (cheap smokes, liquor, and large candy bars) and an overall ease of use. If I ever had to kill time and change planes there (which I haven't) there's also a free web cafe and couches for sleeping.

Now, on to BKK. It's under a year old, opened in like October of 2006. It looks amazing, the architectural elements are beyond reproach. But, when arriving, it was awful. First, the lines at customs. I felt like i was back in the States, only worse. It takes longer to get through customs than at O'Hare. I was in line for like an hour. and this wasn't a holiday period, it was a random Thursday afternoon in august, which is Thailand's tourist off-season. There were only 3 booths open for non-Thai passport holders (the majority of the passengers of the flights arriving at the time) and everyone took forever. I got through in like 45 seconds once it was my turn, but the mobs in front of me took a year. Mostly because people are idiots, and don't fill in their arrival cards until they get to the immigration agent, despite the fact that they had anywhere from 4-14 hours to do it on the plane.

Then, for transport to the city. there are buses, but i couldn't find the airport limo buses. From what I understand, it's possible to take a local bus into the city, but first you have to take a shuttle to the airport bus terminal. So, basically, the only option into town is via taxi. Taxis are dirt cheap in Thailand, but the system at the airport is designed to guarantee you get ripped off. You must wait in a taxi line, argue with the cabbie to use his meter (if he doesn't, he's fleecing you) and even then, they find a way to rip you off. For example, I had to pay 165 baht for highway tolls, though later found out they cost 65 baht (like a $3 difference, but it's principle here) and I also assumed from reading the map on the way in (you know me and the maps) that the driver was taking a circuitous route to drive the fare higher, and I found out from later taxi trips that I was right.

I would later find that arrivals is what BKK does well, as the departure system is a total disaster. I got to the airport (again by taxi, though this taxi cost half what the other one did, largely because I knew what I was doing by then) 2 and a half hours before my flight. I waited in line to check in, then went to customs, where I of course waited in a long line again (at 5 in the fucking morning). After that, I walked along the 400 meter concourse to my gate area (i didn't measure, the airport speaks proudly of it's large concourse) and what do I pass? Well, I want a smoke after the extremely slow line through customs, but there's no fucking smoking areas for that whole 400 meters. What is there? High end sushi-fusion restaurants and other pretentious "luxury" style eateries. Just what I want at 6 something in the morning after 2 hours of sleep before i catch a 5 hour flight. Plus, endless duty free stores, for clothes, perfume, electronics, and the usual big 3 I spoke of before, only the prices for smokes or liquor or whatever is no cheaper than on the street.

Look, I don't know what the airports are doing on this tip. I guess there must be a market for major duty free shoppers stuck on long layovers as well as high end diners, otherwise airports wouldn't be in such a hurry to convert to Prada and Gucci slinging malls. I don't pretend to be a marketing expert (well, maybe this one time at this bar to impress a girl, but come on) so the research must show that this is what the people want. But, 98% of the time, when I'm at the airport, I'm there for 2 hours of less, and I'm a guy that makes an effort to get to the airport early due to my love of airport bars. I don't see when the day will come, no matter how long the layover, that I'll be in the market for Fendi sunglasses or a new DVD player when I'm at the airport. Thus far food-wise, in my innumerable flights, I've had exactly one connection (five hour layover at O'Hare, 1999, on the way to Europe) that I've had use for a non-fast food restaurant. By fast food, that doesn't mean McDonald's, it could be a sandwich at an airport bar. Here's what i want in an airport - smoking area(s), bar, newsstand, fast food. and if it's a bar with newspapers, sandwiches, and you can smoke, than really, i don't need anything else.

Anyway, after finding nothing of use to me at BKK, I finally came across a Burger King. Huzzah! but, the trick is, no breakfast! Really, the last thing in the world I want at close to 7 a.m. after 2 hours sleep is a Whopper, so I moved on toward my gate. This is the next failure of BKK. It's only when going to the gate area that you actually go through security, so once you're in the gate area - there's nothing to do! If you go there early and realize you want a sandwich, you have to go back out and wait in line for security again! Unbelievable. I sought out a smoking lounge here, as there's none between customs and security along the whole 400 meters, and I finally found one hidden in the first gate before going to my gate. The design is a catwalk connecting all the gates in the area, with stairs down to each individual flight waiting area, so fortunately I found the smoking area before going to my actual gate, because once I got there, it's nothing but a glassed-in waiting area with metal chairs. Once you get to the actual gate area, there is no way out, and absolutely nothing to do in the waiting area. Not even a random TV tuned to Thai cable. It's a holding pen with metal chairs. Hungry? Thirsty? Want a smoke? Just bored? Too bad hoss, you're in the gate area, you can sit and stare at the person across from you. Fortunately, it took so long to get through the overly large concourse and endless series of needless lines that by the time I actually got to the gate area, my 2 and half hours were up and it was time to fly.

Moral of the story - don't fly to BKK airport for any reason, ever, unless you are in fact going to Bangkok. which you should do, because airport aside, Bangkok kicks ass. On the other hand, if you find a cheap flight from LA to San Francisco by way of ICN involving a 14 hour layover, well, you could do worse.